First, Frustration then Glory

My physical body is a frustration to me and I may have caused it to be thus. So, I could extrapolate that to mean I am a frustration to myself. I am not the being yet I wish to be. I do not wish to meet my Maker until I can be closer to my goal, that is to have my spirit and mind match my actions and abilities.

I am exceedingly grateful for all things the Father has deemed appropriate to give me. Have you ever read Og Mandino, "The Greatest Gift of All (or something like that)?" I used to own it, but have somehow, along the way, lost it. It discusses our magnificent and miraculous body. I know it is a temple and should be treated with the utmost respect. Our society today and our daily choices have forgotten that ideal. We put pure garbage into it and expect magnificence from it. I have sinned in that way and am reeping the consequences of that choice. I curse my previous weakness and am living my penitence now. I realize it will require time to undo my misdeeds and to allow my body to heal properly.

Aargh...I am forced to wait for the result and forced to confront my weakness again and again! I weep as I think about the disgusting way I have neglected this perfect gift and do not pray for speed in its healing, wishing instead to feel every pain in an effort to be confronted constantly by my lack of awe and respect due my Creator. I have prayed half-heartedly for forgiveness mainly because I am not ready to forgive myself.

I know the Savior, in His infinite goodness and mercy, will forgive me instantly, for His grace is sufficient and full and perfect. I, in my lack of perfection, wish to be joined with Him, yoked to Him as a more refined being. I am capable of that. Please do not misunderstand, my dear friend, I am currently yoked to Him spiritually, emotionally, mentally.

So your question to me may be, then how do you consider yourself not joined to Him already? That is an excellent question, my smart friend! I guess the answer is that I am, yoked to Him, already. I cannot separate parts of myself, compartmentalize myself, which I so easily do. I have previously and whole-heartedly yoked myself to Him. He has already forgiven me, and I love Him more deeply for it!

I am not whole, not refined, not progressed sufficiently, not equal, not worthy in any way, yet He is all of those things and infinitely more!! Thus, by my being joined with Him, I have become those things. We cannot be yoked to a perfect (whole & complete) being without becoming that ourselves. Our finite and unworthy selves connected eternally to an Infinite and perfectly worthy Being results in our perfect, whole, & complete union of selves! How I love this plan of Happiness and Salvation!! How perfect it is!!

I feel instantaneously better. I sigh with regret because I am yet unworthy to feel so. I will not allow those pervasive unkind feelings toward myself to continue. I will instead accept His gift, His atonement with much gratitude and happiness! That is His plan. Anything less than that is the plan of the adversary, to keep me down. However, the Saviour's plan is to build us up. To make us equal to our spirits, the truth and light that is our core, and our origins from an perfect and Infinite Father and Mother. I will continue my current plan to purge my old ways from me. I will endeavor to make all parts of myself what I promised in the beginning. I will not see its fruition fully in this lifetime, but will have moved further and closer to my goal when I am able to meet my Creators in the flesh.

Thank you, friend, for helping me along today. I could not have done it without you and your, yet unknowing, encouragement sounding in my ears. I hear your voice clearly and will never reject your soft words of love and sweetness and purity. I pray someday soon I can repay all of you who have aided my sojourn here on this wonderful planet. My love for you is strong and sure and loyal. May God, our Father, bless us each today and always. May we remain grateful and happy and moving forward, progressing day by day until we all meet at some future point in some grand council, clasping hands and looking with confidence and knowing into one another's eyes. We all will endure and endure well this estate and look into the future with curiosity and confidence in our own abilities as well as in the consecrated ability of our Savior, our Redeemer, our Mediator and Friend, even Jesus Christ.

Kingdom In My Mind

This will be an exercise of self reflection and may be uninteresting to a reader. That being said I will forge ahead. While listening to NPR this afternoon, I heard an old interview with Bruce Springsteen. I appreciated his honest and forthright approach to the reporter's attempts of digging deep into the Boss' psyche. He used a phrase "Kingdom in our own minds", which sparked an analogous look at my own view of myself. His perspective stated many people try to create their own kingdoms in their minds, where they set themselves up as the self-appointed king or queen. With no one else living in their own mind, they are safe from being deposed. I may be guilty of this. I may have created a safe place in a world, kingdom, where I am in control of all I survey. Ah, but here's the rub. I am not safe at all. Actually I have sunk into a state of dis-ease. My whole body is screaming at me for change. What I am doing is certainly not working. My arthritis pain is increasing. I have used the level of that pain as a barometer for how my life is working for 18 years now. There are other parts of my body which are in rebellion, refusing to perform in the way they were designed by an all-wise, all-knowing Father. I have resorted to using comfort food as my escape from these difficulties, rather than face them head on. The person I am in my mind bears little resemblance to the collection of cells that currently occupy the space within my skin. It is time to wake up as the scriptures positively scream at us. Nephi, in his infinite wisdom, so succinctly states in the "Psalm of Nephi", 2 Nephi 4:28 "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. In verse 17, he writes, "Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities." I have been fooling myself, kidding myself, lying to myself. Believing that I am that queen, sitting upon a golden throne, high in the tallest turret safe and isolated, ruling a kingdom where I am the only subject is the lie I have created. In doing that I have sinned. I have become overweight and lazy. I, in no way, emulate the qualities that the queen possesses. I desire to become the best version of myself. I dream of that person and envision accomplishing and surpassing lofty goals. She is healthy, spiritually, emotionally, and physically strong, active, thoughtful, kind, and helpful. Her days are filled with righteous pursuits. I hate to use the following colloquialism, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!" That is sad and uninventive, but it contains truth. I wonder if I am brave enough to depose the pretend queen and bring into being the person I long to become? I know how to effect the change necessary, that is not the question. It is instead contemplating if I am sick and tired enough to necessitate an about face to bring to pass a new and glorious life. The queen sitting on the throne believes so, but she's a fantasy. Stay tuned because, as they say, time will tell.

I'm actually trembling right now watching the live coverage of the Israelis and Hamas in Gaza. I know many of the signs for the last days have already come to pass...if not most of them. Now I am, I have to say this word, fearful the timer has begun. Those who are anti-American and anti-Israeli (many of which are Americans themselves) will be actively choosing sides very, very soon. We are, I feel, watching the beginning stages of a worldwide conflict, which will have truly terrible consequences. Our faith will be tested to the ultimate limits, and we have to remain true and faithful as we observe the world become more and more wicked. I needed to type these words for my own wish to the universe and to those I love most and to all of my brothers and sisters that we stand strong and together and unified. We will need each other now more than ever before. May God bless the righteous and have mercy on the unrighteous.

I am now reading a truly remarkable, important book about the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is "The Infinite Atonement" by Tad R. Callister. In the foreword penned by Robert L. Millet, he wrote, "Some things simply matter more than others. The Atonement is the central act of human history, the pivotal point in all time, the doctrine of doctrines." I have learned so very much from this work and hope to share some important points we all may need to focus on in the upcoming period of time. All the quoted sections are taken directly from this book.

"Elder Marion G. Romney [said] 'Jesus then went into the Garden of Gethsemane. There he suffered most. No man, nor set of men, nor all men put together, ever suffered what the Redeemer suffered in the garden.' What a doctrine! The composite suffering of all men of all ages, of all works does not surpass the Savior's suffering in the Garden. Elders McConkie and Talmage [believed] that the concluding events of the Savior's life suggest the trials of Gethsemane did in fact recur and even intensify on the cross. Elder Talmage believed the Savior literally died on the cross of a broken heart, suggesting this event was the culmination and conclusion of his mission. Perhaps this was the physical sequel to his bleeding from every pore. Not unmindful of the Savior's control over life and death, Elder Talmage gave this perspective: 'While, as stated in the text, the yielding up of life was voluntary on the part of Jesus Christ, for He had life in Himself and no man could take His life except as He willed to allow it to be taken, (John 1:4; 5:26; 10:15-18) there was of necessity a direct cause of dissolution...the strong, loud utterance, immediately following which He bowed His head and 'gave up the ghost,' when considered in connection with other recorded details, points to a physical rupture of the heart as the direct cause of death...Great mental stress, poignant emotion either of grief or joy, and intense spiritual struggle are among the recognized causes of heart rupture.'" (Talmage, Jesus the Christ, 668-69, emphasis added) as taken from (Callister, The Infinite Atonement, 117-156).

As we each may, and likely will, experience times of a true broken heart, great physical suffering, mental stress, poignant emotions, and intense spiritual struggle in the near future, we need to remember Christ suffered for us and knows our trials and hearts. He has felt each thought, word, and act that resulted in his suffering. He came as our Savior, not only an universal but also a personal atonement. We must remember to offer our own broken heart and contrite spirit and accept this greatest of all gifts that ever was, is, or will be!

God bless us, everyone!

The Snow Princess

Dedicated to A. K. B., whose dream inspired this story.

The mourners, who hours before surrounded the heap of soil, had departed to their homes and laid upon their tear-soaked pillows. The bones of the young child were discovered nearly a year before and brought national attention to the small hamlet. The quiet town nestled against the auburns, greens, and russet browns of the magnificent mountainside.
A hiker noticed a bright glint out of a pile of newly dropped leaves. His curiosity had lead him to uncover a tiny, bleached skull. He hurriedly, yet gently, removed the remainder of the vegetation to reveal the perfect form of a long-departed, little spirit.
Though twelve months had passed since that day, no one had come forward to claim the child. The townspeople honored the little girl by using their own funds to ensure a proper and respectful burial. The name on the headstone read Naomi because, like the story of Ruth in the Old Testament, the tiny, forgotten girl had left her own people and become one of their own. She was spoken of in hushed, reverential, loving tones.
The grave, located in the morning shadow of the regal Manti Temple, was dedicated earlier in the day by the temple president. Members from all around the area came to say their final goodbye as the casket was lowered into the ground.
The snow began falling heavily by late afternoon and a blanket of white glistening snow, multi-colored foliage, and flower arrangements covered the small pile like a cotton, patchwork quilt. The light from the full moon and the reflection from the glowing temple gave life to the small pioneer cemetery. The trees, bowing from the weight of the snow, mimicked the mourner’s who had bowed their heads over the burial site during the light of the day.
Suddenly a whirlwind whipped up the snow, leaves, and flower petals in a slow, swirling motion, as if a young princess in a white flowing gown was spinning and twirling just above the grave. One could imagine little Naomi gleefully holding her dress out from her small human frame with a wreath a spring flowers haloing her beautiful face as she playfully turned in circles.
A herd of deer feeding nearby jerked their heads upward to be the only living souls to witness the miraculous display. A beam of light glowing from above seemed to reach downward as though a heavenly arm was extending to embrace the scene. The mixture of flowers and leaves and snow and soil spiraled heavenward to meet the light. The deer perked their ears to the sound of the rushing wind.
If the funeral attendees were still present, they would insist they could hear the tinkling of bells and the giggling of a small child echoing through the treetops. The light eased away and the wind stopped while the remnants of nature settled gently to the ground below. The snow continued to fall, the night became darker, and the deer went back to their dinner. A star shot across the sky in the shape of a smile.

The Last Goodbye

The fog lay softly like a thick, warm, wool blanket across the expanse before us. “We only have three days,” I reminded myself silently. I could see each and every bone under the skin as I used my knuckles to grip the steering wheel with fervent intensity. At 2:15 a.m., Clyde slept next to me on the passenger seat of our Silver Taurus. His low, gentle breathing gave me permission to breathe as well. “We only have three days. It’s not enough time, but it was all we have.” I thought again. I became determined not to waste a single minute for sleep or to wait for the dense, soupy fog to lift. The day was Friday, March 9th, 2007. My son would marry his darling sweetheart the next day at the St. George Temple. Our plane home would leave the tarmac from Las Vegas on Monday. Time to spend with our kids was precious, and I wasn’t about to allow something like impenetrable fog to stand in my way. We promised to be in Ephraim, Utah, by mid morning; then we, as a family unit, would make the additional drive to Enoch, the home of my soon-to-be daughter-in-law.
So I had to keep driving. There was no choice in my mind about it. The fog hit suddenly without warning. The night was inky black. No moon and few stars to light our path. Just our headlights provided the necessary illumination to show the path before me. Now that we had driven into the fog, the headlights became a hindrance rather than a help. It felt as though I had unknowingly traversed into the deepest, darkest ocean. I imagined my car to be dolphin swimming alone far from the starry lights above. Now the fog had become a net, set to entrap and immobilize me. I would have none of it. “We only have three days!”
Deciding quickly I needed assistance, I uttered a strong and confident prayer, muttering, “Father, I have to focus on the road ahead. I cannot see. Please help me to not kill us so our family can be together for our three short days.” I closed in the Savior’s holy name, sure that an answer would come. Within one minute the first miracle took place. From the right in my peripheral vision, I noticed glimmering lights moving through the thick atmosphere. At first, my mind could not process what was there, having to completely focus on the pavement moving rapidly underneath the headlights. Small, red and orange lights appeared, which were stretched in a linear pattern.
Then, suddenly a large, gray mass entered the road in front of me. It was a semi adorned with track lights all over the trailer it hauled. A way had been provided; lights that I could now move my focus to and follow with assurance. I saw a huge humpback whale that had become entangled in glorious, colorful Christmas tree lights. I knew the dolphin would find its way through the murky, ensnaring blackness.
My breathing eased to a more, steady pattern, my fingers released some of the pressure off the steering wheel, and my shoulders returned to a more comfortable position. Thirty minutes later, the Christmas tree truck, as I had affectionately named it in my imagination, exited the freeway. My initial impulse was to follow behind, but my head shook of its own accord. I would keep moving forward, stopping only for fuel. I repeated that refrain again as I had the many hours prior, “We only have three days.” I stubbornly, yet assuredly knew help would come. I said goodbye to the beautiful, gray whale lit up like Christmas and thanked him for his help. A second later another semi pulled in front of our car. Another Christmas tree truck lit up in the identical pattern as its predecessor would shine in front of me, allowing me to continue my journey westward as safely as possible. This was the second miraculous answer to my earnest prayer and I gave thanks to Father in Heaven again.
After approximately 45 minutes, that Christmas tree truck turned on his right blinker, and I smiled. Could it happen again? Would I be so fortunate? I reflected quickly on my feelings and decided to remain on the road, moving forward. I looked to my right as if I already knew what would be there. I nearly forgot my second thanks and goodbye to the trucker who safely guided me the middle leg of my foggy journey. The third, identical Christmas tree truck entered the roadway and tears sprang to my eyes.
This was an amazing experience, and I was probably the only person on earth to witness what was happening. I could see Father smiling kindly, blinking his large eyes, and perhaps even chuckling a bit at my amazement. Within 20 minutes, the fog began to dissipate becoming less and less dense. Then it was gone. The roadway was black in front of me as the white dashes in the middle of the road reflected my headlights and became my new compass. I passed the trucker slowly, waving my hand and attempting to show my appreciation for his help amid the soupy darkness. He waved and smiled back at me, seeming to show he understood my feelings. I said my last goodbye.
Three earthly saviors had come just at the very moment I needed them most. Father had sent them, and I prayed they each would be blessed. As I had time to reflect on the previous couple of hours, I realized an important lesson for all of us. Heavenly Father may not remove the deep and assailing fogs that block or hinder our progress, but He can provide the light necessary to see our way through as we exercise our faith in Him.

Powerful Prayers

I know I am coming late to the party, but I have made a discovery about prayer and that is there is power in it. I can see many heads nodding and even friends and family who are saying, “I have heard you bear testimony of this power many times!” That is true, but recently my prayers have lacked intensity and focus. I have actually prayed about praying, asking for help from on high. I have become somewhat puzzled about exactly how prayers function and why some seem to succeed and others not so much. I have just been voicing my gratitude, which is deep and sure. I have been avoiding asking for anything for some time, several months now. I have written about feeling my cup is overflowing and my heart is just filled with such thanksgiving. After many prayers wondering aloud and silently about the efficacy of prayer, I had a revelation.

I will back up to explain to those who may not know me well enough to understand that I do actually understand how prayers work. I know when I say the name “Heavenly Father”, His ears are immediately and instantly turned and tuned in to my voice or thoughts. I know he knows my hopes, desires, loves, plans, goals, etc. I also know that prayers are most effective when we are sincere, focused, grateful, and humble. I know we are utterly and completely dependent upon Jesus Christ and need to be in order to be truly converted. Elder Richard G. Scott says to be converted is to have love for all men and to have a fixed determination to live all the commandments of God. When we achieve this level of conversion, our prayers become more in tune with Heavenly Father’s will, and we do not ask for that which we ought not. In fact, when we do pray like that, Heavenly Father will grant us the things for which we have prayed.

Sorry to digress; it’s just that some people may question why I do not understand prayers. I have just discovered a new idea about prayer. That idea includes power, real, intense, effective power. When we pray in faith, we are actually creating power within the universe. We are the growers of that power. All power comes from Christ, who received all He has through the Father. The power is His; we simply grow it, make it more intense or purposeful, give it true direction, and magnify it or multiply it.

It follows the idea of glorifying Father in Heaven. We do that through our obedience. Imagine an invisible, long, golden cord tethered to us. All these shining, glimmering cords attach themselves to Christ. Christ has His own, which is tethered to Father. Through it personal revelation, answers to prayers, inspiration, and testimony flows from Heaven to us. When we are obedient, righteous, humble, long suffering, benevolent, faithful, kind, true, and loving, our cord becomes stronger and thicker. The more we act in these ways and grow our faith, glory is returned to our Savior and onto our Father along this golden cord. Resulting in Christ’s power intensifying and growing and glory is given.

Prayers follow this same thought process. If you can continue the imagery of the glorious, tethered cord, our prayers move upward and power is returned through the same means. If our prayers are truly in tune with the will of Father in Heaven, then our power to bring about the consequence we intend is magnified.

So as I was traveling to work early in the morning, I felt again the tendency to be unfocused, forgetting on the prayer I had begun. Instead I was imagining the day ahead and responsibilities and so forth. I wondered why my prayers were lacking the focus and intention and purpose I have experienced for many years. And then it came to me, like a flash of light. It is surely a duty of Satan and his minions to distract us and keep us from our prayers. They must realize full well the power that is created or generated by sincere, grateful, purposeful, and humble prayer. Consequently, I felt a renewed spirit of determination to not be distracted and detracted from my prayers, which are crucial to all of us.

I am not stating this is doctrine, but it feels true and good. I am enthusiastic to share any new discoveries I have with all those I love, know, and meet.

Deep Gratitude for Christ's Suffering

An important dimension of a broken heart is our deep gratitude for Christ's suffering on our behalf. In Gethsemane, the Savior 'descended below all things' (D&C 88:6) as He bore the burden of sin for every human being. At Golgotha, He 'poured out his soul unto death' (Isaiah 53:12), and His great heart literally broke with an all encompassing love for the children of God. When we remember the Savior and His suffering, our hearts too will break in gratitude for the Anointed One."As we make the sacrifice to Him of all that we have and all that we are, the Lord will fill our hearts with peace. He will 'bind up the brokenhearted' (Isaiah 61:1) and grace our lives with the love of God, 'sweet above all that is sweet, . . . and pure above all that is pure' (Alma 32:42).
"Bruce D. Porter, "A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit," Ensign, Nov. 2007, 32