Monday, August 30, 2010

Luminous Beings Are We

"Luminous beings are we; not just crude matter," Yoda profoundly stated to Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. It is complete truth. We are matter and energy at our core, everything is, but we are also so much more. I've learned much about how our bodies function at the fundamental levels, and I've learned about the difficulties that arise when they do not function properly. Mine falls under the second category. Let me list the symptoms I am enduring, not so gracefully, currently. Headaches top the list, with migraines being the most painful. Pain in my gut, which is accompanied by bloating and stabbing discomfort, is likely my second most debilitating complaint. The aches in my left shoulder and neck area keep me awake, feeling like I've just been struck my a frightened porcupine. The weakness and fatigue clog my muddy thoughts and prevent me from "getting up like a normal person." Near constant nausea ensures I stay prone, not upright and moving around. My skin itches constantly and awakens me if I am even able to fall asleep in the first place. Insomnia has stolen many hours of recuperative sleep my body so desperately needs. The fight or flight response regulated by my adrenal glands keeps me as far away from peace as I can be. My friend today advised me to eliminate the word "stress" from my vocabulary, but it is my reality, and I refuse to be unauthentic. The two precious kittens we have now have been the target of my irritability I experience everyday. Anxiety creeps up on me in unexpected moments and only my sweet, patient husband's humor or touch can calm me. Feeling unfocused and muddled have removed my love of reading from me because I cannot concentrate on the meaning of the words on the page. Occasional fear and despair overcome my thoughts because of the constant and never-ending assault of all I have mentioned above. One of the most fearful times is when I feel I cannot get enough air, like my body have forgotten how to use the oxygen in my breath. I find myself gasping for breath suddenly, especially when I am sleeping or watching TV. I feel I have been stripped of everything I can control. I have a mix of ailments, diseases, and complaints, and I cannot control what is happening in my body. I cannot use positive thinking to change what I am experiencing, though I have tried continually and will always continue to use positive thoughts and energy. I do not allow negative thoughts or negative energy to take root within me. It will be so until my dying breath. Nevertheless, what I am going through is real and profound and the most frightening experiences of my life. If the reader knows me at all, he or she will know that is a powerful statement. I am entirely in the hands of my loving, understanding, omnipotent, omniscient Father in Heaven. I am using all the knowledge I've acquired these last 20 years, exercising all the faith I can muster, and humbly giving myself over to his care and keeping. He is aware of my situation. I know Heavenly Beings attend me. For whatever reason I am to endure this, so it is my intention to endure it as patiently as I can. I have given over to moments when I have felt like it has become too much, when I have prayed for miraculous relief and healing, and when I have asked the burden be lifted. My prayers have been answered immediately with a wash of love, peace, and comfort cleansing my body of despair and fear. It is very scary for me to be so ill. I have been ill my entire life, but this is whole body systems failing me such that I often can't be sure I am to see the morning light. I do feel sure and feel confident that this will not end in my death, at least not in the foreseeable future. Under the optimum and best of circumstances, my recovery period will be 18 months (per my physician, Mayo Clinic web site, and the Holy Spirit). Quite unfortunately I am not living the optimum and the best of circumstances, but the opposite of that. Under the conditions under which I now found myself, recovery is not even a glimmer or hope of light in the darkest of tunnels. I pray so very often. My prayers are only answered with the love, peace, and comfort I have mentioned. One pray is that I can somehow miraculously receive help so that I can improve my present circumstances and found myself in a peaceful, quiet, hopeful, happy, joyful, and financially secure situation. The Spirit answers loudly and surely that my prayer will be answered in the way I imagine and dream, but I can never pin the Spirit down to confirm just when that will take place. I am so very happy that my circumstances will change to allow for the healing I so desperately need. I can't help but wonder if this is my Job, Joseph Smith, and Jesus Christ experience. Faith, trust, and confidence in Father in Heaven are the keys I need to the open the door to my bright future. I will become whole and healed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. My weakness of being ill can and, I believe, will become a strength of a healthy and strong body. I cannot help but wonder if my answer is entirely dependent upon others following the Spirit's illogical prompting to help me, little ole nothing that I am. There will be no tax benefit to helping me increase my chance for a speedier recovery. I can tell you that my prayers are that the person(s) who do step forward to aid me will be blessed tenfold, hundredfold. I have had visions of my new life in the immediate future. I have seen my life (our lives-my husband and me) significantly improved so that I can receive the daily IV infusions I need. I am so ready and so desperate to step into my future filled with laughter once again. No man is an island unto himself. We are all connected on this planet. Your salvation is not at all connected to helping me, but your earthly state just may improve greatly??? There is pleading in my thoughts, which I must confess is humiliating. I wish I could do this for myself, but how? I do not see an answer. Please know we are luminous beings capable of the deepest love, devotion, concern, care, and giving. We are not just crude matter. We are magnificent intelligences filled with truth, light, and heavenly love.

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