Friday, January 30, 2009

Kingdom In My Mind

This will be an exercise of self reflection and may be uninteresting to a reader. That being said I will forge ahead. While listening to NPR this afternoon, I heard an old interview with Bruce Springsteen. I appreciated his honest and forthright approach to the reporter's attempts of digging deep into the Boss' psyche. He used a phrase "Kingdom in our own minds", which sparked an analogous look at my own view of myself. His perspective stated many people try to create their own kingdoms in their minds, where they set themselves up as the self-appointed king or queen. With no one else living in their own mind, they are safe from being deposed. I may be guilty of this. I may have created a safe place in a world, kingdom, where I am in control of all I survey. Ah, but here's the rub. I am not safe at all. Actually I have sunk into a state of dis-ease. My whole body is screaming at me for change. What I am doing is certainly not working. My arthritis pain is increasing. I have used the level of that pain as a barometer for how my life is working for 18 years now. There are other parts of my body which are in rebellion, refusing to perform in the way they were designed by an all-wise, all-knowing Father. I have resorted to using comfort food as my escape from these difficulties, rather than face them head on. The person I am in my mind bears little resemblance to the collection of cells that currently occupy the space within my skin. It is time to wake up as the scriptures positively scream at us. Nephi, in his infinite wisdom, so succinctly states in the "Psalm of Nephi", 2 Nephi 4:28 "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. In verse 17, he writes, "Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities." I have been fooling myself, kidding myself, lying to myself. Believing that I am that queen, sitting upon a golden throne, high in the tallest turret safe and isolated, ruling a kingdom where I am the only subject is the lie I have created. In doing that I have sinned. I have become overweight and lazy. I, in no way, emulate the qualities that the queen possesses. I desire to become the best version of myself. I dream of that person and envision accomplishing and surpassing lofty goals. She is healthy, spiritually, emotionally, and physically strong, active, thoughtful, kind, and helpful. Her days are filled with righteous pursuits. I hate to use the following colloquialism, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!" That is sad and uninventive, but it contains truth. I wonder if I am brave enough to depose the pretend queen and bring into being the person I long to become? I know how to effect the change necessary, that is not the question. It is instead contemplating if I am sick and tired enough to necessitate an about face to bring to pass a new and glorious life. The queen sitting on the throne believes so, but she's a fantasy. Stay tuned because, as they say, time will tell.


Anonymous said...

Time for another post- it's been almost a month!
Seriously though, I do love to hear what you've been thinking about.

Derek and Kori said...

7 months later.. how do you feel now?