I desperately need someone to run my thoughts passed. I just don't have the opportunity to share them face-to-face right now with anyone. Perhaps someone reading this would be best suited to answer my question based on your life experience. I simply CANNOT give up on this thought, wish, desire. I've had it for years, but now I need it more than ever, I believe.
My health has culminated into a mass of total systemic failures. This has been an ongoing, building, and lifelong set of problems. They all began with the nightmare that was my early life. I have overcome and forgiven and been healed (to a certain extent) of my emotional and spiritual scars. The physiological damage was begun and continued without my knowledge or participation. Meaning, patterns were set at such a young age within my "fight or flight" responses, that what I believe to be "normal" is actually within the "fight or flight" reaction. They are automatic, sub-conscious, and apparently outside my control.
I understand in deep and profound ways how the Atonement has applied to me. I love Christ for all He has done, is doing, and will continue to do in helping me in my unique situation. However, I have come to a stage in which now that "fight or flight" response cannot be shut off. That response comes from our Adrenal Glands, and the relief from that response comes from our endocrine system. Both are functioning in an "out of whack" way right now. Let me just say this: I cannot mentally control the stress hormones that are being released or the "fight or flight" response that I feel every minute of every day. It's a physical thing, not a mental or spiritual thing for me.
I am currently on such a strict diet that it is actually nearly a starvation diet. I'm under physician's care and am getting what I need to stay alive. The medications, herbs, vitamins and minerals I am administering is providing the basic needs for nutrition and actually performing the job of my under and over functioning endocrine system. My immune system is fighting nearly everything I ingest because my intestines are unable to thoroughly filter my food intake. So, my body is attacking itself.
Let me interrupt by saying how much I am in awe of our bodies. Yours must be in perfect concert within all your parts to be able to do as much as you do. I have learned so much about our bodies and how they ought to work as well as learning why we have "dis-ease" and illness when our bodies do not work as they should. It is so very crucial that each body part function is a precise manner, down to the energy and matter exchange outside and inside our cells. The next body part, organ, system, cell is counting on the fact that the previous body part, organ, system, cell has performed its duty exactly as designed. If not, the domino effect can be devastating and catastrophic.
I have felt my life-force slipping away several times this year, and I knew that I was very close to death at that point. I believe it was only prayer and faith that took me through those moments. I have spoken to a few others who have had similar experiences so that I am quite sure of how close I came during several difficult illnesses this year. I know that my body needs a long rest and recovery period. Everything my doctor has said, everything I've read on the subject, and everything within me tells me this rest is CRUCIAL to my full recovery.
I'm not sure I've 'SET UP' my question to you properly. This is a long, detailed, somewhat complicated situation I am in. I hope the spirit of what I am trying to say to you will be felt by you properly. Also know this. I am bed-bound at this point. I am weak and fatigued to the point that a short three minute activity has me reeling and needing to rest for hours afterward. I am writing this to you only because my very survival is dependent upon my conveying this to you precisely. Normally, I cannot use my brain for any communication. Phone calls are exhausting. Doing the apartment managerial duties is far outside my capacity. There is NO WAY I can work as an interpreter in a few short weeks.
I promise I am trying sincerely to approach this situation as though there is a solution. I do not believe I have fulfilled my purpose on earth. I also believe I am learning through this experience many deep and powerful lessons about my purpose and about Christ's suffering while on the earth.