A Brief Update

I've had several people ask about my current condition. I am doing so much better, but no where near ideal. I am so much better. Most of my symptoms have completely subsided. The strict diet has served me well and I am continuing with it. I still do not take in dairy (occasionally hard cheese, but that's all), meat, sugar, bad fats, and high fructose corn syrup. A good side effect of this is that I weigh within 12 pounds of my goal weight now. The main thing I struggle with is energy. I fight hard to move around, which I do. The days I am somewhat active leave me depleted, but I am so grateful for being able to move at all. I have my faculties back because my illness struck my neurological system for a time. I feel strengthened through Christ, my faith, and the prayers of so many.

Now is time to express my deep gratitude for all I have learned during this time of crisis. I have three areas that I am praying for a miracle, a turnaround, or extreme blessings. The answers to those prayers must demand great sacrifice, patience, and knowledge. The end result I seek is so worth every second of hardship. I used to pray to Father in Heaven that "I am ready", but I have now changed that to "Am I ready?" It's a switch of two words, but the meaning is a world apart.

I have learned through this process that we can become creators in our own lives. The creation process is a learned process. I have been shown some of the "mysteries" necessary for creation, but in increments. We need to first have "holding places" to put specific bits of knowledge. We first must make those "holding places" ourselves. It is step upon step, line upon line, and cannot be accomplished all at once.

Now is the time for repentance and forgiveness. Now is the time for learning and growing. Now is the time for recognizing and developing talents and skills. I am incredibly grateful for every part of my life that has led me to this point. I used to believe we are a sum total of our experiences and we are. However, now I believe there is step beyond that. It is because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that we experience a mighty change of heart. It is after that mighty change that we have an opportunity to become entirely new creatures or creations. It is by the Infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ we have a new spirit, a new mind, and a new body. He not only helps us as we change our behaviors; he alone changes our very natures.

I have learned through adversity, hardships, and long suffering the steps necessary for great change and for greater learning. For unique reasons I needed this particular path to arrive at this point. I am not done, I have not arrived, I still have much to learn. I love how Christ loves. I am so very grateful for all that He is and all that He does and all that He will do. I feel I am a testament to His goodness, mercy, and love. I am yet unsure what is ahead of this journey, but I am faithful it is the right and true path for me.

1,000,000 Things For Which I Am Grateful

Of course, I am not sure if I can actually write one million things, but if I were to break down each element of gratitude, find all the levels and nuances, and describe the specific hue of each experience, I just might be able to state countless general and specific items. This is purely an exercise for me because of the General Conference talk by President Thomas S. Monson concerning becoming more grateful and returning to Father in Heaven in prayer and listing our reasons for gratitude. I have recorded only 100 things, but I feel I could write a 10,000 word essay on each item, so 100 x 10,000 = 1,000,000.

1. Father in Heaven and Mother in Heaven

2. Jesus Christ

3. The Holy Ghost

4. Unembodied and disembodied spirits and Angels, who work on my behalf continually.

5. Prayer

6. My Testimony

7. The Gospel of Jesus Christ

8. The Atonement of Jesus Christ

9. My reliance on Jesus Christ for everything

10. Forgiveness

11.Repentance

12. Faith

13. Mercy

14. Charity

15. Love & Peace

16. Hope in Christ

17. Grace & Ease

18. Compassion and Empathy

19. The four standard works (The Holy Bible, The Book of Mormon—The Second Witness of Jesus Christ, The Doctrine & Covenants, The Pearl of Great Price)

20. The words and counsels of modern day Prophets

21. Joseph Smith

22. Thomas S. Monson

23. All other Modern Day Prophets

24. Ancient Prophets, but particularly Nephi, Isaiah, Moses, Alma the Elder & Younger, Lehi & Nephi the 2^nd, John the Beloved, Matthew, and many others

25. Clear direction

26. Commandments

27. Temples

28. Genealogical Research Work

29. Family Sealings

30. Church Materials

31. Insights from other LDS scholars

32. General Conference

33. Callings

34. Sacrament

35. Church Meetings

36. LDS Non-Fiction Religious Written Works

37. Teachings received by my heart

38. A Mighty Change of Heart

39. Humility

40. Gratitude (a thankfulness for all He does)

41. Praise (a thankfulness for who He is)

42. Service (giving and receiving)

43. Revelations

44. Church sanctioned videos

45. Other uplifting, religious, LDS videos

46. Hymns

47. Having a eye single to the glory of God

48. Many, Mighty Miracles

49. Seminary & Institute classes and teachers

50. All church leaders

51. Specific examples of church leaders counseling and guiding me

52. Sacrifice

53. Adversity

54. My loving and selfless husband

55. Our children (I have four, two biological and two in love)

56. Our grandchildren (only other grandparents understand this one fully)

57. My parents and step-parents

58. My in-law parents

59. Our brothers and sisters,

60. Our extended family (this list is huge and goes back countless generations)

61. My dear, sweet, caring, loving, giving, sharing, compassionate friends (I wish I could name you all by name…this could make up the majority of my gratitude list)

62. The many missionaries that have impacted our lives deeply

63. Our sweet pets, who’ve made us laugh and give us such joy

64. Our universe

65. Our galaxy & stars we see

66. Our moon for its light and mystery

67. Kolob (where Heavenly Father works)

68. Our sun for its life, light, warmth, and stability of our solar system

69. Our precious earth

70. All of nature (all things that grow upon this earth)

71. All the living things on the earth (all that walk, swim, fly, and creep)

72. All of the water that brings me peace which passes understanding

73. Our atmosphere which keeps us safe, brings us the ability to live here, and provides amazing beauty

74. All of the land, including the plains, mountains, hills, & valleys

`` 75. My body (all organs, systems, glands, processes, cells, DNA, & energy)

76. My mind and all of its intricate abilities, knowledge, memories, etc. etc.

77. My spirit, which I treasure, which I have hurt, & which I now honor and protect and love

78. My experiences, past, present and future

79. My feelings and emotions, which continue to teach me

80. My gifts and talents, which I am growing and developing

81. My health, including the endless things I can do

82. My dreams and visions

83. All the things I have learned and applied and shared

84. My growing ability to love, by virtue of the Great Exemplar

85. My life and breath, which is a gift from Jesus Christ

86. My interests, particularly my joy of reading and drive toward learning

87. My knowledge and use of sign language

88. Our home and the shelter it affords us

89. All the material things that have been freely and generously given to us

90. The modern conveniences which make life easier & more enjoyable

91. Our vehicles

92. Our spa bedroom

93. Our genealogy and the work that’s been accomplished

94. Our personal photographs and videos

95. Our newly-gained knowledge of giving our bodies what they need to operate at their optimum

96. People who share their knowledge, wisdom, gifts, insights, goods, and food with us

97. Our opportunities to serve others

98. All the books I’ve devoured and the long list of others I intend to read

99. My current health situation and all the lessons I’m being taught

100. Our vacations and time with our family

The Biggest Loser

The NBC show "The Biggest Loser" is one of my favorites, and I find it so inspiring. If you don't know the show, it's on Tuesday nights. It starts with 12 - 16 people on it. It is one of those reality elimination shows involving morbidly obese people competing for several large cash prizes. However I find this show is not just about losing weight. It's about finding themselves, figuring out why they allowed huge weight gain, and why they have not been able to gain control. It is so moving to me to witness their inner and outer transformations. Many have serious challenges at home, so they have not even put themselves on their own "list". They now have a unique opportunity to become the people they hope to become. They become very vulnerable at pivotal points along the way, and it seems that is the time they decide they are worthy of a huge change and improvement. I have cried many times watching it I guess because I can so relate.

First, I have a teeny weight issue. I weighed 30 pounds more than I weighed 6 years ago. I have lost 12 pounds so far. I am planning to get back to the 2004 weight. I have 18 more pounds to go. On Dr. Oz, the new way to look at our "perfect" weight zone is following this formula: At 5 feet we need to weight 100 pounds, then add 5 pounds for every inch over that, then we can range between + or - 10% of that total. So my 2004 weight fit into that range perfectly and I plan to go back there. If you do not know me before or during that time, I have always been thin, actually too thin. In 1992, I finally achieved an appropriate weight for someone my height. I maintained that weight until 1997 when I had a grand mall seizure due to a prescription medication. I was immediately taken off the medicine, but I was immediately put on another really strong medication for seizures. I, of course, knew I would not have another seizure because I knew what caused it. I wish I would have been more assertive with the doctors and gone with my instincts and not take the strong medication. It had a severe side effect, which directly caused a 30 pound weight gain within six months. By 2000, I had lost all the weight and maintained until the end of 2004. I began to eat to mask and stuff high pain levels. I ate myself back to the 30 pound overage. I have see-sawed up and down, which is terribly hard on the body. My poor, ravaged body has taken all it could, and basically gave up this summer. The signal was to stop, get control, heal, and listen.

So I have digressed from my original purpose, but I guess I needed to explain that one aspect of why "The Biggest Loser" inspires me. Another big reason I am so fascinated with this show is the emotional transformations through which these people go. They make incredible sacrifices, such as leaving their loved ones (some of them for months), taking a leave of absence from work or quitting their jobs, and leaving their entire support system or enabler system behind. At first, they are totally on their own, in a new environment, having to make changes in privacy and food intake, and are forced to confront their present state of health and physical readiness. Sometimes it takes someone else holding up the mirror to our faces for us to admit we need to make a change.

I wanted to make the change without someone else pointing it out for me. I am quite aware of my shortcomings and am a big believer that life is a process, a journey. This is a marathon and we always need to be pushing forward and attempting to improve in all areas of our lives. I am also a big believer that we need to love ourselves and accept who we are this very minute. Then we become worthy within our own hearts to make serious strides forward. It's the self-hate and loathing that keep us chained to inaction. When we do not like ourselves, we do not believe we are worthy of improvement and a better life. It's okay to say, "I like me", but better to say "I love me". It's great that we love ourselves. We need to keep repeating to ourselves positive self-affirmations. Sometimes it sounds like a lie, but it's important to keep the process going until we do believe we are great and worthy. We need to look at ourselves as Christ sees us. He sees us as we are, warts and all, but loves us deeply. He sees our potential and knows our infinite worth. He also knows all we are capable of accomplishing in this life. He doesn't want us to throw away the beautiful end product of who we can become, especially because of bad habits which we can change.

I would positively love to be able to talk to some of the contestants from this reality show to tell them how awesome they are, how they inspire me and many others, and how they are so worth all the emotional & physical work they are doing. And I would say to them as only Yogi Berra would say, "Half their work is physical and 90% is mental!" Haha!

Moving forward is all about pushing ourselves beyond our perceived limits. I actually like it when people say they are putting in 110%. Some people claim that's actually impossible, but I feel the opposite. We each have these mental barriers. We think to ourselves I am doing all I can, but truthfully if we keep moving forward, we can exceed our expectations. I am doing that now. I push myself every single day now. My body and mind have no way out; they simply must readjust. The proverbial carrot is always out in front but out of reach. I will consider my carrot caught when I reach all my goals. One such goal is complete health, healing, and wellness. I have others, including the weight loss I mentioned. I'd love to hear about some of your own stories about what I've discussed. One thing I don't want to debate is my weight loss. That's between me and me, but concerning any of the posts, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Stuff I Am Learning About My Dis-Ease

First, when I have a particular dis-ease symptom, I now know the Father through the Son through the Spirit is attempting to show me something about my life that is out of balance. Several examples of this include liver pain, migraines, joint/bone pain, and digestive issues.

I have learned my liver is where I store my anger. Anger is a secondary emotion to hurt, fear, frustration, & confusion. When my liver hurts, I know I have a new emotional issue coming forth involving feelings I have stuffed down. It is also where ancestral feelings that were passed down through my DNA are retained.

Migraines are a symptom of feeling scared or alone. This is a recent discovery so I am currently working on this. We all feel alone at times because each of us experiences this physical separation from Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother very acutely. This needs to be confronted and resolved somehow to relieve this particular feeling.

Joint/bone pain are the first sign I am feeling less than or not good enough. When I recognize this, I can simply repeat a mantra of “I am loved and valued” or something to that affect. I do this until it become believable to me.

Digestive issues show me stress is becoming overwhelming for me, and I need to slow down and give my body what it needs.

Second, when I ask Heavenly Father, through prayer, to show me ways in which I can heal, He always obliges me within hours. This is a fairly recent discovery for me. I have found when we ask for something, we need to then pay close attention for an answer. It is probably rude to ask for something and then not “listen” for the response; something I have been guilty of doing often.

I know how He communicates with me, so I know when an answer is from Him. I know His “yes”, His “no”, His “maybe”, His “I’m waiting for a holding place for you to put the answer, so I will answer this one later”, and His “this is what I want to teach you right now because you are sufficiently prepared to learn” or a “general teaching moment” response.

Most of the time the “teaching moment” response involves my needing to forgive someone or some situation. Forgiveness appears to be the path for creating a balanced, loving life.

Third, when I have a breakthrough emotionally & spiritually, my body will react in a so-called negative way for the following period of time, perhaps several days. This took me awhile to ascertain and accept.

Let me clarify what I mean by a negative reaction, though it will seem obvious after I explain it. For the next couple of days after a breakthrough, I experience increased pain, fatigue, and stress. I have learned these symptoms are my body’s way of purging the effects of holding onto negative energy. This requires constant reminders from me that I am moving forward, not backward, and doing this work is difficult.

Fourth, the longer I put off learning what Jesus Christ wants to teach me, the longer I will need to endure the effects of living an unbalanced life. I thought I had been forgiving all along. I needed to confront the idea that my dis-ease is the result of unresolved feelings and emotions and the need for forgiveness.

I now know my dis-ease is not a punishment, but a natural consequence of consciously or sub-consciously ignoring past experiences. Our feelings and subsequent emotions are supposed to act as a signal or warning to us.

I am dealing with each new discovery as it comes with the hope that there will be an end at some point. I mean I am doing an enormous amount of emotional, physical, and spiritual work, and I expect a reward filled with grace, ease, abundance, and balance. That is not to say that I will never have to confront future issues, but I will not also have a lifetime of unresolved feelings to work through at the same time.

Fifth, I need to stay constantly vigilant to guard against frustration, fear, and panic by this process. I confess this process has been brutal at times. I have found it difficult to work through issues while experiencing near-constant pain throughout my body. Jesus Christ, I am sure, feels sympathy for my frustration and pain, but He just wants to teach me how to become like Him. He knows more than anyone how hard this process is, and He offers His love, peace, and help anytime He is called upon to act on our behalf.

I need to remind myself that this is a learning process and necessary for my best good. I used to feel alone, but now I know I am not nor have I ever been alone. Christ Himself and many Angels are present and are always working in my behalf. When I notice frustration, fear, or panic creeping in, I repeat to myself that I am grateful for this teaching, and doing it will allow me to progress spiritually. Converting the feelings from frustration, fear, or panic to gratitude and joy can take several minutes or hours, but if I do not give up, gratitude and joy come into my heart and fill me with hope. Repeating the many things for which I am grateful helps to alleviate the fear and frustration more quickly.

Sixth, there is a strong, evil force working to prevent progress from taking place in my life. There is also a more powerful legion of angels utilizing Christ’s power to overcome their influence. So I am casting out these satanic forces regularly as well as asking for angelic protection.

Those evil or negative influences are extremely damaging, and so it is necessary for me to differentiate from where my current state of mind is coming. I’ve discovered it is fairly simple to find out which is which. If I feel good, then that is from Christ, and if I feel bad, that is from satan.

Feeling bad feels bad, so I have learned to run away from those influences as quickly as I can. Feeling good feels good, so I do all I can to replicate the steps that lead to that result.

Seventh, it is crucial for me to remain teachable and to accept help from positive, wise friends and family. Getting insights from others who are further along on this particular path is so important and necessary for my progression.

Giving and receiving service is crucial for our salvation. To be the recipient of service helps others to receive the blessing of giving service. I am certainly deeply grateful for all I have been given and taught.

Eighth, I am learning how my relationship with food has played an important role in teaching me about my feelings. This relationship has changed over time depending on where I was emotionally. I have used food as an escape, a tranquilizer, an emotion stuffer, and a pain reliever.

I think anytime a person says I have “used” food is a sign of imbalance and self-abuse. I am hoping once I have progressed enough I can allow the consumption of food to take an appropriate role in my life as a fuel source and eating as a socially enjoyable experience. Eating food currently involves pain and discomfort.

I know when full healing and energy balance takes place I can enjoy consuming healthy food. I will never go back to stuffing unhealthy food into my mouth just to receive temporary pleasure. I vow to finally treat my body as a temple and a gift from Heavenly Father.

Ninth, the Atonement of Jesus Christ is intended to provide everything we need to recover and heal in every way. I am learning to offer all my distress, effects of my dis-ease, and dreams for an abundant, whole, healthy, and Christlike future to my Saviour, Jesus Christ..

His love for us is pure, all-powerful, and unconditional, but a greater level of progression involves intense, focused, & faithful work on our part. We are never alone during this process, we are helped every step of the way, and we receive amazing blessings with each new lesson.

We honor Him by relying on Him, giving Him our all, and practicing obedience, hope, and faith. Our sincere, grateful, and humble attempts of becoming like Him can only result in everything He wants for us. We show our love by accepting His way and learning whatever He wants to teach us.

These lessons are individualized for me and may not apply to you. However, I need to acknowledge all that I have learned so far and express my deep and abiding gratitude to my Savior and my Father in Heaven. This is my letter to them to let them know I am paying attention and I am doing all I can in this process. I love the plan of happiness and look forward to a time when I have sufficiently forgiven everyone and every situation and will no longer feel the effects of stuffing my feelings and emotions.

It is so important for us to remember. We must remember everything we have been given, all that we have taught, and how the Atonement has worked in our lives. Forgetting is our downfall; remembering helps us to move ahead in our progression. If we forget, we might begin to believe our blessings are a result of our work alone. Remembering Christ has healed us, taught us, forgiven us, and blessed us brings us a step closer to our Heavenly home and reward.

I humbly and gratefully offer my eternal thanks to Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, heavenly beings, and my wonderful family and friends!!

FORCED INTO VEGANISM!!

Okay, I admit it's not like being forced off a moving train, but it came as a shock to me nonetheless. My stomach and entire digestive track has decided to take a much-needed vacation, so they've resolved to not allow food to pass through them without pain, discomfort, and trouble for what appears to be an extended period of time. Rather than be stubborn and force my system to accept whatever food I so choose to eat, I've decided to give my body only the BEST foods and herbs this good earth provides. Apparently, my body can heal best from ingesting fresh vegetables, fruits, and only select grains.

Veganism, as I understand it, involves eating only foods that come from anything that didn't originally have a face. Any foods that came from anything that once had a face can severely affect my body in most negative ways. I do still experience many negative effects from eating even the best the earth can grow. The effects include near-constant migraines, pain in my upper abdomen (liver), and great discomfort in my bones, muscles, and joints. However, after acquiring all the knowledge I can on this subject, I will submit entirely to what my body most needs now and not continue as status quo.

I began cutting back my diet on July 15th by eliminating gluten. For those of you who do not know, cutting out gluten is a pretty tough thing to do in our current society. Next beginning on August 5th I cut my diet down, per my physician's instruction, to just five food items. Then after two weeks, I began to add one new item every three days. However, I fell in a physiological way quite rapidly. So I began a raw food juice diet on September 1st and took only this with the herbs prescribed by my doctor for the next 8 days. I really thought I was starving because I was ingesting no fiber at all. I am happy to report my stomach had shrunk from July 15th to September 8th, such that I could become full easily and actually rarely experienced hunger. By September 9th, I was quite ready to add some whole foods to my diet, so we have discovered the joy of vegan "meats". I look forward to my daily vegan "bacon, burger, sausage, or chicken. Seriously people, this stuff tastes fantastic!! I am not joking, I love it!

I have entirely eliminated caffeine via diet soda for over a month now and only drink alkaline water (thanks Nancy), raw food juice, and almond milk. White sugar is a thing of the past and may not be a part of my future. Admittedly when your taste buds are accustomed to meat, pre-packaged, and fast foods, raw foods taste extremely strong. I actually cried a lot at first because the taste was so overwhelming. I am happy to report my tongue has become more accepting of new stronger flavors.

I have also eliminated all prescribed medications and only take in the herbs I need each day to heal my digestive track, my adrenal glands, my thyroid, my liver and kidneys, and other organs and systems. Through much prayer and meditation, I understand fully I am NEVER alone and healing will happen in time. Still it is difficult to never feel well. It is a trial to have constant pain, to feel fatigued and weak always, and to receive only temporary reprieves from headaches and migraines and the resulting nausea. It is a bit frustrating to experience trouble falling asleep, sleep restlessly, and wake hurting. I am so very ready to be well, and I believe I am doing all I can to become better. I will not falter and will not give my body what it does not need.

Now I am submitting to my Heavenly Father's will and am exercising all the patience I can muster. I am no martyr and am quite honest about the times I wish it could all be over. I am using all my prior knowledge about positive thinking, the power of attraction, and creative visualization. My heart is open in prayer, my dreams for a bright and abundant future are sure, my mind and eyes are open to the wonders of the Spirit, and my soul is in complete submission for the will of Father in Heaven.

I count my many blessings for the most wonderful husband on the planet, sorry girls he's all mine! I am thankful for the four best children and three most beautiful and hilarious granddaughters in the whole world! I am grateful for my two mothers and my many, selfless friends, who give to me in every way, spiritual and temporal!! I cannot fully express my deep feeling of love and thankfulness for Jesus Christ, His Atonement and Charity and Mercy! I have confidence in His plan for me and look forward to the future He has in store for me.

Luminous Beings Are We

"Luminous beings are we; not just crude matter," Yoda profoundly stated to Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. It is complete truth. We are matter and energy at our core, everything is, but we are also so much more. I've learned much about how our bodies function at the fundamental levels, and I've learned about the difficulties that arise when they do not function properly. Mine falls under the second category. Let me list the symptoms I am enduring, not so gracefully, currently. Headaches top the list, with migraines being the most painful. Pain in my gut, which is accompanied by bloating and stabbing discomfort, is likely my second most debilitating complaint. The aches in my left shoulder and neck area keep me awake, feeling like I've just been struck my a frightened porcupine. The weakness and fatigue clog my muddy thoughts and prevent me from "getting up like a normal person." Near constant nausea ensures I stay prone, not upright and moving around. My skin itches constantly and awakens me if I am even able to fall asleep in the first place. Insomnia has stolen many hours of recuperative sleep my body so desperately needs. The fight or flight response regulated by my adrenal glands keeps me as far away from peace as I can be. My friend today advised me to eliminate the word "stress" from my vocabulary, but it is my reality, and I refuse to be unauthentic. The two precious kittens we have now have been the target of my irritability I experience everyday. Anxiety creeps up on me in unexpected moments and only my sweet, patient husband's humor or touch can calm me. Feeling unfocused and muddled have removed my love of reading from me because I cannot concentrate on the meaning of the words on the page. Occasional fear and despair overcome my thoughts because of the constant and never-ending assault of all I have mentioned above. One of the most fearful times is when I feel I cannot get enough air, like my body have forgotten how to use the oxygen in my breath. I find myself gasping for breath suddenly, especially when I am sleeping or watching TV. I feel I have been stripped of everything I can control. I have a mix of ailments, diseases, and complaints, and I cannot control what is happening in my body. I cannot use positive thinking to change what I am experiencing, though I have tried continually and will always continue to use positive thoughts and energy. I do not allow negative thoughts or negative energy to take root within me. It will be so until my dying breath. Nevertheless, what I am going through is real and profound and the most frightening experiences of my life. If the reader knows me at all, he or she will know that is a powerful statement. I am entirely in the hands of my loving, understanding, omnipotent, omniscient Father in Heaven. I am using all the knowledge I've acquired these last 20 years, exercising all the faith I can muster, and humbly giving myself over to his care and keeping. He is aware of my situation. I know Heavenly Beings attend me. For whatever reason I am to endure this, so it is my intention to endure it as patiently as I can. I have given over to moments when I have felt like it has become too much, when I have prayed for miraculous relief and healing, and when I have asked the burden be lifted. My prayers have been answered immediately with a wash of love, peace, and comfort cleansing my body of despair and fear. It is very scary for me to be so ill. I have been ill my entire life, but this is whole body systems failing me such that I often can't be sure I am to see the morning light. I do feel sure and feel confident that this will not end in my death, at least not in the foreseeable future. Under the optimum and best of circumstances, my recovery period will be 18 months (per my physician, Mayo Clinic web site, and the Holy Spirit). Quite unfortunately I am not living the optimum and the best of circumstances, but the opposite of that. Under the conditions under which I now found myself, recovery is not even a glimmer or hope of light in the darkest of tunnels. I pray so very often. My prayers are only answered with the love, peace, and comfort I have mentioned. One pray is that I can somehow miraculously receive help so that I can improve my present circumstances and found myself in a peaceful, quiet, hopeful, happy, joyful, and financially secure situation. The Spirit answers loudly and surely that my prayer will be answered in the way I imagine and dream, but I can never pin the Spirit down to confirm just when that will take place. I am so very happy that my circumstances will change to allow for the healing I so desperately need. I can't help but wonder if this is my Job, Joseph Smith, and Jesus Christ experience. Faith, trust, and confidence in Father in Heaven are the keys I need to the open the door to my bright future. I will become whole and healed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. My weakness of being ill can and, I believe, will become a strength of a healthy and strong body. I cannot help but wonder if my answer is entirely dependent upon others following the Spirit's illogical prompting to help me, little ole nothing that I am. There will be no tax benefit to helping me increase my chance for a speedier recovery. I can tell you that my prayers are that the person(s) who do step forward to aid me will be blessed tenfold, hundredfold. I have had visions of my new life in the immediate future. I have seen my life (our lives-my husband and me) significantly improved so that I can receive the daily IV infusions I need. I am so ready and so desperate to step into my future filled with laughter once again. No man is an island unto himself. We are all connected on this planet. Your salvation is not at all connected to helping me, but your earthly state just may improve greatly??? There is pleading in my thoughts, which I must confess is humiliating. I wish I could do this for myself, but how? I do not see an answer. Please know we are luminous beings capable of the deepest love, devotion, concern, care, and giving. We are not just crude matter. We are magnificent intelligences filled with truth, light, and heavenly love.