Friday, September 5, 2008

What is my purpose?

Originally written May 12, 2008

I need to talk privately, in a very public way. I am feeling a little lost lately. Let me preface it by saying my life is amazing; I am so happy! I have most everything I've ever wanted in life. With that said, life is confusing sometimes. I am afraid this may be rambling because I haven't formulated my thoughts, meaning I have all these thoughts that I am trying to find answers inside. First I guess I'm glad to know I have friends who truly know me & can maybe use the gift of discernment to make sense of what will follow. I found many times my way of thinking seems to be vastly different than most everyone I know. I look for answers & promptings & messages everywhere. I have a belief that we are almost always not alone. I'm unsure if it is The Holy Spirit or one/several spirits "assigned" to me, but I feel its presence a lot & even "see" assurance of that fact. I have just been exposed to too much from the other side of the veil. I've had way too many "experiences"...sacred & public alike to believe I'm not being "led" to something or some end. Recently I have had someone I trust share with me something most sacred...something most members know will be coming; however this "thing" has already come, but only revealed to a select few. Not Christ, but something else. Anyway, I share that with you to let you know how strongly I believe I have some purpose. That is my point...I cannot figure out my greater purpose.

I was listening to Sheri Dew's book on CD "And God Wants a Powerful People". She said Heavenly Father knows four things that we need to know:
1. Who we are?
2. Where we are?
3. What is our purpose?
4. What we need to accomplish that purpose?

I guess I'm confused about all four points.

Who am I? Daughter of God, Alicia, Wife, Mother, Grandmother, friend, daughter, church member, temple attender, family history searcher, follower of Christ, appreciater of the Atonement, Scripture Searcher & Feaster, avid reader, pursuer of the mysteries of God, interpreter. I guess that sums up what I think of myself...where my heart is leaning is who I believe I am. Is that what I truly am? Am I more? Am I missing something?

Earlier this year I was in RS. We were discussing the Gifts of the Spirit lesson in the JS Manual. I hesitated but finally added that I am given the gift of interpretation of tongues for my interpreting in church. That I feel a clear & distinct difference when I have that gift & interpret & when I don't & TRY to interpret. Well later in that class...several women said something that struck me & wounded me some. They said people should receive their gifts privately & not discuss them. I just couldn't disagree more.

I mean it is important to be truly humble & believe it has almost nothing to do with us as individuals who receive the gift, but understand that God has a purpose to fulfill. When we know He gives us the gift to fulfill that purpose, we become an instrument that He uses. Then if we are faithful & humble, He can use us whenever He sees fit. I believe so strongly in the Power of God & believe He not only wants us to figure out how to access that Power, but needs us to do so to fulfill He purposes!!! We have been Called then Qualified for the purpose, not qualified then called. Do you understand??? I am afraid some members (who are completely awesome & humble & true disciples of Christ & serve Him faithfully continually) are confusing their perspective which may be cultural or traditional instead of, perhaps, understanding God's expectations.

I know there is a danger of someone receiving a spiritual gift, then becoming prideful. I, however, believe that we need to be edified & uplifted by sharing with each other (in sacred settings like RS meetings) the amazing things God can do & what He does do. I sure hope you are following. I have had serious problems with people understanding me in the past.

Okay, second question is where am I? I am in Utah. I am in the very last days. I am progressing in the gospel, but feel I may be missing something serious I should be understanding or "seeing" or feeling. I am employed. I know I need to earn money. I am not completely prepared. I need to have food storage and have all the necessary preparedness items for our family!! Time is passing & is almost passed for time to get it. It will be soon that we will need to use it. I know this & I know I need to be getting this together. We do not have the money without my extra income to buy all that we will need, all that everyone needs.

Third is what is my purpose? I understand my purpose thus far as: helping my family in whatever capacity, being an influence for good within my sphere of influence, serving my fellow beings, being a savior on Mt. Zion, assisting the work to build up Zion, helping to establish the Kingdom of God on the earth, perfecting the Saints, and there is more, but I just don't know what it is at this time...thus the confused feelings. So much of the time, I feel like people look at me as though I have three heads, which hinders my progress in these areas.

Fourth what I need to accomplish my purpose? Time, Willingness, Knowledge, Faith, Belief, and some way to reach people in which I could do some good. Well...that is quite a bit for now. I could go on, but I will stop for now. I need to think, which hasn't helped me thus far, but feel I am missing is really bugging me...something just under the surface...some gnawing feeling...something in the pit of my stomach....I would pace if I felt like it would is really there & I just can't see it!!

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